When you get married, you marry the “courtship behavior.” It’s insane to stop the very behavior you marry!
So, restore the courtship behavior and you strengthen your union together.
Dr. Mitchell Perry
Love and Marriage
Regardless of how happy and fulfilling your marriage or relationship is, inevitably you will encounter difficulties and disappointments along the way. Often times it is either because you have become emotionally malnourished, your relationship needs a tune-up, or perhaps the magic has faded. To rebuild a relationship that has gotten lost over the years, you need a clear, compelling picture of the relationship you want. Then you both must commit to creating and maintaining that partnership.
A relationship lives in words and action, much like a play. If your relationship has become its own version of a bad play, then to make a better play (relationship), you need to write and practice good scripts.
One way that you can create good marriage scripts is by figuring out what you and your partner want out of the relationship. In essence, it is time to “rewrite the screenplay.”
Start by having the following dialogue with your partner:
- What do you want me to know about you? What do you want/need from me? (Attention, time, listening, etc.)
- Here’s what I want you to know about me. Here’s what I need from you.
- How would you say our normal conversations work?
- What is our predictable screenplay?
- What are the road blocks to improving our marriage? (Self pity, score keeping, name calling, guilt trips, etc.)
- What are we going to do differently going forward?
Be sure to find out what your partner wants, and then give your partner what your partner wants. YOU MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!
Remember what your woman wants, and give it to her, because you did during courtship! Here is most likely what she wants:
- Listen to me and then listen some more (and look interested).
- Pay attention to me and BE with me… because “I am who I’m with.”
- Empathize and quit giving me advice (unless I ask for it).
- Hold me, cherish me, show me I’m the one! I must be the dominant source of your happiness.
Remember what your man wants, and give it to him, because you did during courtship! Here is most likely what he wants:
- Look good, lose the weight, and dress up, because how you look is critical to me.
- Pay attention to me and DO with me… because “I am what I do.”
- Sexual gymnastics (complete with howling at the moon!)
- Treat me like a king! I must be a big deal in your eyes.
Take these steps with your partner and see what happens. Re-scripting your relationship can only lead to a better understanding of yourself… and your partner.
Then pay the freight, take initiative, practice new habits and restore the courtship.
And, remember reinforce more than you criticize… 5 times more!