DEALING WITH SELF-PITY IN OTHERS

How to Deal with People Feeling Sorry for Themselves

When you encounter people who are good at playing the role of professional victim, you will often notice that you routinely get seduced by them because they whine and they want an audience. When people swim around in the pity pot they often want you to feel sorry for them so they can describe the breadth of their terrible situation without any interest in solving it or doing anything about it. They simply want you to pay attention to them while they enjoy the “poor me” and describe the “delicious agony of life.” There seems to be something curiously attractive about being a victim and a martyr… apparently sacrificing yourself does get attention.  They will often say things to you like, “You couldn’t possibly understand what I have been through.”  Then you can expect them to waste your time while they describe the “poor me” in great detail and they can enjoy their victimhood and contest of who is the most oppressed person.  You will want to appear interested and likely conclude that you have enabled them to play victim while you are trying to be nice, empathetic, and appreciative of their plight.

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Enlightened Perspectives

Below are statements gathered from dozens of people, ages 5 to 95, many of which were collected in Live and Learn and Pass it On, Volume II.

For your consideration:

I’ve learned… that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I’ve learned… that when you’re in love, and you find your smile, it shows.

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Constructive Criticism

Here is something you have received from others many times over the span of your life:

  • Can I give you some constructive criticism?
  • May I offer some constructive criticism?
  • I have some constructive criticism if you would like to hear it.
  • How would you like to hear some constructive feedback about what you just did?

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Axioms of Life

Rarely do we get much guidance or training on how to best live life. Most of us bumble through in a trial-and-error mode. Many of us end up behaving like everyone else, which is often counter-productive and a perfect illustration of peer pressure at work. Read more

Love and Marriage

 
Regardless of how happy and fulfilling your marriage or relationship is, inevitably you will encounter difficulties and disappointments along the way.  Often times it is either because you have become emotionally malnourished, you both feel unloved and/or unimportant, your relationship needs a tune-up, or perhaps the magic has faded.  Most marriage partners fail to do the ongoing maintenance of the relationship to keep it healthy. 
 
To rebuild a relationship that has gotten lost over the years, you must have a clear, compelling picture of the relationship you want. Then you both must commit to become equipped with the skills and habits to creating and maintaining that renewed and nourishing relationship.  
 

A relationship lives in words and action, much like a play. If your relationship has become its own version of a bad play, then to make a better play (relationship), you must write and practice good scripts.

One way that you can create good marriage scripts is by figuring out what you and your partner want out of the relationship.  In essence, it is time to “rewrite the screenplay.”

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Practicing Reinforcement

People need to get fed. They want to know what they are doing that is good. So, regularly catch them doing something right… AND TELL THEM!

It is insane for them to finally find out how good they are at their funeral… so tell them now!

Dr. Mitchell Perry

Practicing Reinforcement:  Catching Others Doing Something Right!

PEOPLE WILL TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU TEACH THEM TO TREAT YOU.

THAT WHICH GETS REINFORCED, GETS DONE.

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EFFECTIVE LISTENING

Listening!  It’s what everyone wants in all relationships — business and personal — spouses want it most in each other, customers want it in customer service, bosses and subordinates want it from each other.

So what is going on?

Most of us spend our time rehearsing a response rather than listening to what was said… insanity!

So start learning to listen!

It’s Common Sense and remember, Common Sense is very Uncommon.

Dr. Mitchell Perry

Effective Listening

Are you a good communicator?

Communication Facts:
Effective Communication is fundamental to successful relationships – both personal and professional
We all communicate daily in some capacity to others
Most people are poor communicators
We get little if any training in effective communication
Yogi Berra once said, “Communication is 90% listening and the other half is talking.”

To the degree to which you can improve your listening skills you will immediately become a better communicator.

Listening is all about Selective Perception.

Selective Perception means viewing the world through a set of filters (culture, background, mood, attitude, emotions, etc.).  You see what you want to see.  You hear what you want to hear.

Keep in mind there are two levels of communication:

CONTENT — The Data — The Facts
What is said:  This is the basic factual data, without
any packaging.

CONTEXT — The Intent — The Packaging
How it is said:  When we notice context signals that
are more familiar to us, we naturally feel more
comfortable and have more rapport.

People respond far more to context than content so remain aware of the signals, the tone, volume, pitch, speed, expressions, body language, etc.  We are all programmed to respond to contextual signals so be aware of the signals you are giving and receiving.  They may convey a different message than you intend.  In every conversation remain conscious of the speaker’s content and context to be sure you get the right message.

Learn to Listen!  It is critical to make sure you understand others correctly.  Effective listening generates the following results:
It reduces the margin of error on what we heard
It allows the person who was speaking to us to reduce their defenses and relax
It helps keep the interchange on track
Remember, Listening is the best way to get your point across!

Today’s Tickle

The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons:
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on:
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.