What would you rather do… take responsibility for yourself, complete with your spine and self-respect intact or become a certified weak and whining professional victim?
PROFESSIONAL VICTIMS Read more
ASKING FOR HELP
The cooperation conundrum:
Among the most insane habits we humans
practice is to prevent the very thing we want
and disallow the very thing that works.
Dr. J. Mitchell Perry
ASKING FOR HELP Read more
Enlightened Perspectives
I often think about life in general and mine in particular when it seems that I am experiencing increasing opportunities presented to me that say “Would you like a senior discount?”
It is certainly true that life seems to be going by faster, and I can only say… “Who authorized that?”
So here are some musings for your consideration and for you to pause and re-evaluate the business of living: Read more
Common Sense
EMBRACE COMMON SENSE… and Common Sense is very uncommon!
Dr. Mitchell Perry
“COMMON SENSE”
Notice how often you hear people say…
“That’s just common sense… everyone knows that!” Read more
Shoulding on Yourself and Others
Hello:
The more you “should” on yourself, the more you pushback on your own advice.
Dr. Mitchell Perry
“SHOULDING on YOURSELF and OTHERS” Read more
ENGAGE THE POWER OF RELATIONSHIPS: ASK FOR HELP!
When you ask for help from others, they will say yes;
When they give you help, you have more resources;
When they say yes, give you the help, and have more resources you are now more powerful!
So, it is insane to prevent the very thing that works best!
Dr. Mitchell Perry Read more
TAKING THINGS TOO PERSONALLY
If you routinely take things personally, you may often believe whatever just happened must be involving you somehow… so ask yourself a question, ‘Am I that big a deal? Is it really about me again?’
Dr. Mitchell Perry
TAKING THINGS TOO PERSONALLY Read more
THE PRISON OF DEPENDENCY
When you become hostage to fear and then deliberately choose to be dependent, you stay in an emotional prison that makes you miserable and weak.
Dr. Mitchell Perry
THE PRISON OF DEPENDENCY
The fascinating thing is how many people deliberately opt for a dependency existence either personally, professionally, emotionally, and/ or financially… then they spend their lives complaining and remaining hostage to the very condition for which they opted.
Some examples to consider:
Government Workers (the Public Sector) – They often tend to go down a path that is often predetermined. They trade in their control over destiny for the illusion that job security is worth it. Then they are mostly rewarded by how LONG they have been working, rather than how WELL they are working. Many often remain miserable people and expect a predictable pay grade, lifestyle, etc., all the while remaining malcontents simply because they choose to remain hostage to a situation that keeps them dependent. Moreover, since it is often impossible to get fired in the public sector, their commitment to excellence is eroded, because of the group pressure to join the union of the mediocre.
Good-looking Women (sex objects) who seek out rich men (success objects) – Many of these women often go after men with money to gain the dependence on financial security (an illusion of safety), however, once they get the commitment they want from the man, many tend to change and treat the guy badly… they become critical, demanding, disapproving, and pejorative simply because they are dependent and are now “hostage” in their heads, to the man. The very dependency they wanted is the very situation that now reminds them of their own weakness. Therefore, they blame the guy, spend his money, and treat him badly. (The more you give up responsibility for yourself, the more it makes you continually blame others for your condition that you chose.)
Healthcare Workers, Shift Workers at the Company Plant, and Retail Service Representatives. For example, thirty years ago, being a flight attendant was a glamorous job with great pay, perks and benefits.
Over the years things have clearly changed… working conditions, passenger behavior, grooming, standards of conduct, physical condition, and the entire traveling experience. I think this job is the last thing many flight attendants thought they would be doing thirty years later. Clearly many of them appear to often feel hostage to the job because of seniority, vesting, or they are clueless as to what else they would be doing. This has made many of them bitter and filled with TDC (Thinly Disguised Contempt). Therefore, it appears many often want the customers to enjoy their unhappiness. Once again, the very dependency they opted for has made them hostage and therefore, weak, powerless, and unhappy.
Divorce Agreements – It is clear that couples who are unable to reach agreement in divorce settlements are often very unhappy and complaining when the final disillusion decision is made by the courts. The more the couple is dependent on the decisions of the judge, the more it creates anger and complaints. On he other hand, couples who take responsibility together to arrive at acceptable divorce settlements tend to accept the results and move on with their lives with less complaining and going back to court.
The Fabric of Society
As so many more people continue to adopt the ENTITLEMENT attitude where the “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY?” perspective becomes ubiquitous, I expect that more and more people will give up control over their lives to government, disability support, workers compensation fraud, dipping into the public treasury, unions, welfare, entitlements, etc., which simply continues to insure their unhappiness/misery as a consequence of wanting to be dependent. As more people opt to be dependent, they want to be taken care of, and therefore, their initiative, self-respect, performance, and control over their lives evaporates. Thus the omnipresent dependency addiction simply sucks the life out of society.
Presently, according to a recent article, 48% of all families in the U.S. today are dipping into the public treasury somehow. This means that approximately half of the population is opting to be dependent on the other half… all while complaining and whining. And, certainly the half that is paying is getting really tired of enabling the dependent people to remain dependent and whining.
It also appears curious that the half that is paying is called “greedy” while the receiving half is called “entitled.”
So it seems that people with dependency addiction have three options:
- Continue as they are, expect to be dependent, play the victim, avoid responsibility for their lives, and keep complaining / whining. (Remember, when you choose the dependency, you choose the consequences.)
- Continue the dependency behavior, except quit the complaining and whining. Simply accept the security and keep quiet.
- Decide to take more responsibility / control for their lives and future, act more independent, take more initiative, and be more proactive. Spend less time describing the problem and more time solving it.
As Abraham Lincoln said,
- You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
- You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
- You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
- You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.
- You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
- You cannot build character and courage by taking away people’s initiative and independence.
- You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.
It is time for us as a large group of citizens to grow up, establish more backbone, take responsibility for ourselves, appreciate what we have, put a premium on self-respect and quit demanding to be taken care of.
Further, if you choose to remain dependent, then quit complaining about the very condition for which you opted.
Only when you take responsibility for your life, the cards that are dealt, your behavior, your decisions, and your future can you develop some real solid self-respect.
And, self-respect is critical if you want to feel good about what you see in the mirror.
IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT YOUR STRENGTH OF CHARACTER!
IT’S COMMON SENSE… And remember, Common Sense is very uncommon!
Today’s Tickle
HILARIOUS DATING ADS FOR SENIORS
Dating Ads for Seniors found in a Florida Newspaper. You can say what you want about Florida, but you rarely hear of anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in ”The Villages” Florida newspaper. (Who says seniors lack a sense of humor?)
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FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty. 80’s, slim, 5’4″ (used to be 5’6″), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
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LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband. Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting,shortness of breath not a problem.
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SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
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WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
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BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
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MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.
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My favorite…
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.
Practicing Reinforcement
People need to get fed. They want to know what they are doing that is good. So, regularly catch them doing something right… AND TELL THEM!
It is insane for them to finally find out how good they are at their funeral… so tell them now!
Dr. Mitchell Perry
Practicing Reinforcement: Catching Others Doing Something Right!
PEOPLE WILL TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU TEACH THEM TO TREAT YOU.
THAT WHICH GETS REINFORCED, GETS DONE.
Think about what actually nourishes and encourages you to produce and perform well.
Usually it is mostly about others being impressed, dazzled and proud of you. You are often driven to do well because of:
Your own self-concept
Your values, and
The regard, respect, cheering, and reinforcement you receive from others.
In company cultures, community organizations, marriages, and families (and just about any important relationship with others) there are usually 3 ways in which people find out how they are doing in the minds of others:
- Criticism, pejorative remarks, “constructive advice”
- Silence, absence of any reaction, indifference
- Reinforcement, encouragement, compliments, appreciation
Most of the time people receive lots of #1 and #2. Criticism and silence, they even say with relief… “no news is good news!” However, the price on long-term performance is huge. The result is most of your people end up severely EMOTIONALLY MALNOURISHED. They eventually run out of inspiration and emotional reserves to keep producing at high levels.
So, remember the following axiom:
If someone with whom you have any relationship is behaving in a way you become impressed and appreciative, and you reinforce that very behavior you like, you are likely to receive more of that behavior!
Most everyone believes that, and yet we only practice reinforcement with two populations: small children and dogs! If it works with them, then will it work on GROWN -UPS? Of course!
Here are some general guidelines when practicing reinforcement at work:
- Be specific about what they did or are doing.
- Share with them what value their behavior has for you.
- Tie in what value their behavior has for the team / organization.
- Make a point of practicing reinforcement at meetings.
- Get into the habit of reinforcing more than you criticize.
- Send “thank you” notes in email or preferably through snail mail.
- Send group voice mails or emails showing reinforcement for someone or several people. This increases the expectation that good news can be shared and recognition is very acceptable.
- Relax your concern that you will be at risk to reinforcing too much. Most likely, people will keep producing well with new expectations of receiving validation and recognition.
- Practice telling people what impresses you. You will finally get comfortable with it, and they will get comfortable with receiving it.
- If people discount your compliment, simply repeat it again until they say “thank you.”
- Practice accepting compliments: say “Thank You.”
You will notice people will be happy to tell you more and you get fed!
You are at a very low risk of reinforcing others TOO MUCH!
Remember, life is about two things:
Touching peoples’ lives and
Having your own life touched in return.
Therefore, what touches people’s lives MORE than reinforcement and appreciation?
Today’s Tickle
ABOUT GROWING OLDER…
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. For me; I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ It’s unclear how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it’s such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.
And, finally ~ If you learn to laugh at trouble, you will have something to laugh at when you’re old.
TAKE ACTION
Hello:
“If you can’t do it right, don’t do it at all.” Does this sound familiar? Do you ever notice that when you hear this, you simply want to stall? And before you know it, your life has passed you by and all you do is COUNT moments rather than LIVE them.
So, get off your backside and get going! Remember, “DOING IT RIGHT IS SECONDARY… DOING IT IS PRIMARY!”
Dr. Mitchell Perry
TAKE ACTION
Let’s wait and see what happens, this isn’t a good time. I want to think about it. I need more time first. I might do it wrong… I might make a mistake. I just don’t want to right now. I wish something would happen. I’m not quite ready to do that. I don’t want to talk about it.
Stalling, waiting, marking time, holding steady; does this sound familiar?
All too often, most people would rather describe a problem than solve it, react more than pro-act – passive more than active. The result… just more time rehearsing and refining their problem description skills without taking any action.
Do you want to get a new job, get a college degree, learn a language, lose weight, get in shape, fix your marriage, or play the piano? Well, do you REALLY want to, or do you just want to talk about… or whine about it?
You must always ask yourself a fundamental question whenever you want to do anything!
ARE YOU WILLING TO PAY THE FREIGHT?
Will you pay the money, spend the time, expend the energy, learn how, risk failure, etc. to reach your goal? Because your goal can only be achieved if you PAY THE FREIGHT!
The key is to TAKE ACTION. Do something, anything, any kind of action… and get the momentum going. It’s so much easier to turn the sailboat when the boat is moving! When you do, you have movement, which allows course correction along the way. But, stalling and describing, rather than moving and solving, simply allows you to pass your life with time, rather than passing your time with life. You end up having years in your life rather than having life in your years.
So, TAKE ACTION! Confidence comes from DOING! Mastery comes from learning, from discipline, from trusting your instincts and just digging in and doing it!
Make “Take Action” a habit and spread it around.
Today’s Tickle
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
1. You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10
2 No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
Kristen, age 10
3. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10
4. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8
5. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
Lori, age 8
6. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)
7. On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10
8. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich.
Pam, age 7( Love her )
9. The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7
10. The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8
11. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
12. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
Kelvin, age 8